Chapter One: The Chimp Who Loved Me

Shaken but undeterred, I saw Kent off to work the next morning.  I decided that since Sammy seemed calm--he was playing with some children's toys on the floor--I could take a shower.  Let's recap: I was alone in the house with a powerful male animal that saw me as a possible concubine, and I was about to be naked.  Not one of my brighter moments, but I digress.

I started to undress by the shower door.  Then I felt eyes on me.  Sammy was watching me from the doorway.  Hmm.  Odd, but not threatening.  I stepped into the shower and turned the hot water on.  Chimps do not like water, so I figured I was safe, and I needed a little breather from carrying him all the time.  Suddenly, I noticed my chimp child was gone, along with all the clothes and towels I had laid down on the floor.  Suddenly, Sammy came full speed around the corner, hooting and grinning, and launched himself at me!  Fully Erect Sammy!

All I could think was, "Oh God! I'm going to be sexually assaulted by a chimp!"  I pictured the 911 call.  I saw the operator laughing so uncontrollably that she forgot to send help.  I tried to peel Sammy's pinching, prying hands off my naked, wet body and realized that I had to get some clothes on. 

Making what I thought were soothing, calming little hoots and grunts, I worked my way slowly towards the bedroom closet.  This took ten minutes; Sammy seemed to sense that my intentions were not the same as his.  I grabbed some clothes, and then I remembered that his favorite playthings were handbags with goodies in them. 

Snatching anything I could find that was shiny and chimp-proof, I shoved it all in two purses.  We sat on the bed together (me stark naked and dripping wet) like a couple of nervous virgins on their wedding night.  I tried to remain nonchalant.  Chimps are deeply suspicious beings and they pick up on any vibes that suggest danger or change.  Slowly, Sammy let go of me with one hand and dug into the bag.  I tried to put a shirt on-not a chance.   My new boyfriend knew I was up to something.   We continued in this fashion for an hour and a half.   I prayed that someone would come to the door.  Then I prayed they wouldn't.  What in hell would I say?

Eventually, Sammy lost interest and his attention shifted to the cat that had been unfortunate enough to walk into the room.  With a scream of delight he chased the kitty into the rest of the house.  Men who claim that women take forever to get dressed didn't see me that morning.